Seasons of my life~Jan-April

January

January brings
a birthday
the superbowl
a wedding
followed by a car crash
palpitations
the beginning of mysterious symptoms
countless hospital visits
a distant memory
of snowy evening
sneaking out
braving snowy roads
for candlelight
passionate kisses
while dreaming of big beds
and squeaky wooden floors
fireplaces to illuminate
& entrance
songs played only for one
January...
long cold days
made warmer by a lover's kiss


February

A cold, rainy February evening
waves of pain overtaking thought
time to leave the warm cocoon
safety of home
venture into their sterile environment
and wait....
trepidation, primal fear
then suddenly a change,
threshold for pain pushed to the limit
screams echo in the room
"I can't do this!"
Squeezing a hand
breathing deeply through pain
digging deep
finding untapped strength
pushing with the pain
finally ~relief!
"It's a girl!" the Doctor shouts
repeating his words
tears spill down my cheeks
a circle is made complete..
I feel her presence from another realm
as softly she whispers to me~
now you know
just how much I loved you
as only a mother can love her daughter
peace and comfort wash over me
my journey has begun as mother.


March

3:20 AM, 1976
I pushed my way into this world
my mother's most difficult birth
a stubborn Ram, even then
and so
my journey begins...
from newborn to 8 years
a normal childhood
two loving parents,
childhood pets
cupcakes brought to class
for birthdays
family gatherings for holidays
average middle class suburbia
Then I turned 8.
For my 8th birthday I wanted
a nurse cake.
Dreams of becoming a dancer or teacher
dissipated quicker than her health.
I proudly told mommy,
"I'm going to be a nurse just like Miss Karen,
so I can take care of you too."
I tried my best,
sitting with her in the dark air conditioned bedroom
offering her water, cool washcloths, and pictures
I'd colored of rainbows and flowers.
Before I'd turn 9 I would give up the dream of
being a nurse..they couldn't save her,
neither could I.
She died on the first day of third grade,
somewhere between the pledge of allegiance
and recess.
I didn't cry, not until my dad offered me
that damn gold pen from the funeral home
it looked so fancy,
I figured it must do something amazing.
like write away the truth of the moment..
rewrite the plot, bring the main character
back from the dead?
I was so sure it did something, that I asked my dad.
My grandfather and him laughed at my question
and told me it did 'nothing'
That was the first time I remember crying.
After the funeral I did not attend
once back at school I wanted normalcy
above all else.
No one should talk about it,
no one should know about it..
I'm just a normal 8 year old,
in an extrodinary gifted 3rd grade class.
Who just happened to get pulled out
the first day of school because her mom died.
Keep smiling and they'll belive you're just like them.
Life was never the same after that...
the years blurred



9 years later I celebrate
more than a birthday
17 years old, nearly an adult
I am still weak from mono
but strong enough to get out of bed
leave the house, no longer home
see the world through a 1964 mustang
instead of a bedside view.
this is reason to celebrate
breathe in spring air
smelling it's freshness, innocence...
He came back to town
bringing flowers
in hopes of a kiss
a last ditch effort at 'i'm sorry..
for last October, not believing you,
all I put you through that day'
He forgot to apologize for leaving
without saying good-bye
leaving me waiting in pre-sunrise hours
to make the journey up to Boston
but never showing up.
In a years time he will be mostly forgotten.

365 days pass by once again
and I am embarking
taking flight
on what is to be one of the greatest
adventures of my life
headed overseas, to reunite
with my lover
whose sugar flows to my lips
as honey flows from my hips
my mystery man
who calls me, 'my me'
strums his guitar
singing me poems
in the darkness
songs only I will hear
in a strange English flat
as sirens ring out
warning of danger
and things yet to come....

April, go Away


Ah April...
you bring new life
in purple hues
tiny flowers sprouting up
from the cold wet ground
defying nature
I walk the path
that will never be forgotten
counting footsteps
12 steps up
and 12 steps
d
o
w
n
memories come flooding back--

a childhood home
now empty
countless days and nights
spent in these walls,
bedroom full of memories-
secrets that will remain untold...
nights of laughter
gasping for breath
as we shared our stories

standing here with her
more of a sister than best friend,
the most truthful
part of my family-
we cry
embracing each other
with words unspoken
understand the significance
of all of this

I cradle my newborn
as she nuzzles my breast
and think of my mother
sitting here in this rocker
nursing me, sustaining my life..

the last boxes are packed
big yellow truck in the driveway
nosy neighbor peeking out
just like always
not much has changed
except my parents
are moving 2800 miles away
leaving me here
alone

we say goodbye to the house
that became our home
changed through the years
as they tried to erase the memory
of my mother
too painful for them
but the memories remain
tucked away in our hearts
some things will never change..

A year ago I was overseas
and returned to another empty house
it doesn't feel like home
although now there is a family there
mother
father
daughter
but something is missing
something that will never surface,
it's just a house..
a distant memory now
from the past
my home, and my heart
will always reside on Chestnut St.
by Zachy's pond-
my place of solitude
more memories unfold..

April...
I've blocked you out
Not wanting to remember the more recent past
for it was you
who brought the beginning
of this painful journey
that I am still stuck on
wheels spinning
going nowhere
you gave me the first glimpse
of what life was to become
a labrynth of phone calls,
battling insurance companies,
studying terminology--
learning there are too many
who share this road,
too many lost in this maze..
too many pieces
that just don't fit.

I don't like you April...
you took away my family
and forced me to confront
my deepest darkest fears
Hurry away now...
bring us May and her flowers,
we've had enough of you and
your drenching shower of sorrow